Top 10 Things to Say at the Blackjack Table

[glenwiggy]

Over the last week, I’ve seen many TV and media outlets post their “Top Ten Lists of Yada, Yada, Yada for 2012.” Why should they get a Top Ten list and I don’t? No good reason. Therefore, here is my input for the top things you should say while at the blackjack table:

1. “Push.”
Say this when you have a four or five card seventeen and the dealer draws an eighteen. You’d be surprised how often the trick works. Dealers get tired and complacent just like everyone else. If they hear you say “push,” their subconscious thinks your hand is a tie. Once in a blue moon, the dealer will pass right by your hand without taking the bet. Of course, you risk getting a butt-chewing from the pit boss or casino manager if you try this trick too often.

2. “I bet you're not the second worse blackjack player in the world.”
Play blackjack long enough, and you’ll be seated next to a player who makes horrible decisions. It is inevitable. Most experts say you should bite your tongue when this occurs. Not me—I have to say something, but I prefer the indirect approach. If a blackjackally challenged player is at my table, I’ll wait for another player to arrive. Then I’ll say, “I bet you aren’t the second worse blackjack player in the world.” The new player will always say, “Why?” Then I respond, “Because that would be too much of a coincidence!” Anyone with half a sense of humor will get the joke. The baffoon you are insulting probably won't.

3. “This hand is so bad, even if you bust, I’ll still lose.”
Say this to the dealer when you stay on a poor hand. It makes absolutely no sense, but it is better than saying something that the dealer has already heard a million times. Originality is the key to eccentricity.

4. “Don’t give me a big card.”
Declare this to the dealer when you want a ten while taking a hit in a pitch game. If a face card appears, the dealer and everyone else will think you’ve busted. Quietly tuck your cards afterward, you mysterious, sneaky rat.

5. “That is why I keep a picture of you in my wallet.”
Say this to a dealer who has been good to you. Again, it is better than saying the overused cliché response, “You are my favorite dealer!” My thanks to Brian Pierret for telling me this quote.

6. “Let’s see—what would Jesus do?”
Ask this question aloud whenever you refer to a basic strategy card for a hand. It won’t take long before you incite rage or passion from someone nearby.

7. “Marry me—our babies will be really cute.”
Once again, this is something you can say to a dealer who has given you a great run of cards. However, I only say it to male dealers. Declaring this to a female dealer would make me sound creepy. Saying it to a male dealer also makes me sound creepy, but with a hint of intrigue. One time it backfired—the dealer gave me a coy smile and responded, “They would!”

8. “Did you know that the game of blackjack was invented in America in 1962?”
Say this to another player during a shuffle or when there is some other break in the action. When the other player calls you on the obvious falsehood, argue passionately with them using as many lies as possible. Say things like, “Uh huh, blackjack was invented right after the TV game show, Joker’s Wild aired.” Or, “JFK invented the game while in office—That’s why they called him Black Jack Kennedy!”

9. “If you deal me one more losing hand, I’m gonna crap in your gas tank!”
Usually, cursing or threatening a dealer would be grounds for a patron being thrown out of the casino. However, saying the above quote will typically draw a smile from any casino employee within earshot. When I say it, and the dealer wins the next hand, I get up quietly from the table and head for the exit.

10. “Good thing I got out that hand. You got a blackjack.”
This is my absolute, all-time favorite thing to say at the blackjack table. Anyone who counts cards knows that it is advisable to leave the game when the true card-count is relatively low. If I sit out of the hand, and the dealer subsequently gets a blackjack on the next hand, I say, “Good thing I got out that hand. You got a blackjack.” Invariably, a pissed-off player seated at the table will get mad and reply “THAT’S BECAUSE YOU GOT OUTTA THE GAME!!!” They think it is silly superstition. I know it is skill, coupled with a dose of bad luck on their part. Their angry reaction makes me smile for hours.

Glen Wiggy
Author of "1536 Free Waters and Other Blackjack Endeavors--Finding Profit and Humor in Card-Counting"

[Tom]

I said push the pit boss came over and the dealer ended up paying me. LOL

I did hear someone ask WWJD.......but everyone took it with good humor.

[zengrifter]

User is banned, content deleted.

[metronome]

let's see if he can find some Jesus BJ posters with various and sundry captions....

[RS]

I've used a variation of #4. Ask for a face, and when you bust -- throw the cards saying "I didn't want them anyway".


Another fun thing to do -- if you have a blackjack (in a pitch game), flip one card up and one card down, so they are facing eachother, and tuck. When the dealer finishes the hitting and whatnot, he'll flip your cards like 5 times before he realizes what's happened. Note: Make sure you get paid 3:2.


If the dealer gets a 5+ card 21 (preferably with 5 or 6 up), or anything that's just super painful, exclaim how happy you are for the dealer, "Yay, you win this time!"

[Smartpart]

Another fun thing to do -- if you have a blackjack (in a pitch game), flip one card up and one card down, so they are facing eachother, and tuck. When the dealer finishes the hitting and whatnot, he'll flip your cards like 5 times before he realizes what's happened. Note: Make sure you get paid 3:2.

Lauged out loud.

[Most Interesting Man]

I learned the following pro-tips from the movie "The Hangover" that really ups my game:

1. You can play BJ in a casino the same day you finish a book on the topic.
Everyone knows that counting cards is just as easy as counting 1, 2, 3. So once you read a book on the topic you are ready to shake the casinos for 5 figures or more!

2. Backcount the table for as long as you have to while staring intently at the cards.
Only suckers subject their bankrolls to the extra swings and disadvantage of neutral and negative counts. Stand as close to the table as possible to discourage anyone from taking up the spots you are about to play (eventually). The casinos will try to distract you with flashing lights, flashing boobies, or whatever to try to get you to make mistakes. Keep your eyes on the prize.

3. Mouth the count to yourself
The mind-body connection is incredibly powerful. Mouthing the count cements that number in your head so that later you can carry a natural conversation with the cocktail waitresses, other players, the dealer, and even the suits who come to check you out.

4. Buy in with all you've got.
When the count is finally ripe put your entire bankroll on the table. The last thing you'll want to do is alert the pit over and over again with numerous buy ins when you're betting big into a high count.

5. Keep a serious face.
Blackjack is not only a game of pure mathematics but also intimidation. In the animal kingdom it's eat or be eaten. Put the pit in its place.

6. Make tons of noise when you win. Swear at the dealer when you lose.
This is something that you, or your partner, can do to demonstrate that you're really gamblers and are experiencing the rush of the game. Remember, counters are emotionless robots.

7. Apply Chapstick.
Signaling in a team situation should involve natural motions such as soothing your dry lips thanks to the harsh desert climate out there.

8. Watch your stack of chips grow.
Only fools expect to never lose a hand, but we know that card counters always leave a session with more than they started with.

9. Split 5s for cove.
If you need to buy yourself a few more moments of longevity many experts agree that cover is the best approach. Unfortunately nobody in the pit even knows proper basic strategy. Your approach then is put the pit at ease by making a play even they know is wrong.

10. Be vulgar to the eye in the sky.
Let's face it, nobody, not even the pit likes the guys upstairs. They have an annoying habit of calling when they see a dealer make a mispay just to remind everyone that they're 'always watching' as an intimidation tactic. Those pricks.

[Kat]

let's see if he can find some Jesus BJ posters with various and sundry captions....

Yep, I do have more than a few Metro... but as I recall, politics is not allowed here. WWJS? LOL

[Kat]

Thats good. Brother Kat, are you listening?

Yep, and that's all I'm doin... LOL

[glenwiggy]

I learned the following pro-tips from the movie "The Hangover" that really ups my game:

Funny stuff...you ARE the Most Interesting Man in the Forum. Glen

[Frostbyte]

9. Split 5s for cove.
If you need to buy yourself a few more moments of longevity many experts agree that cover is the best approach. Unfortunately nobody in the pit even knows proper basic strategy. Your approach then is put the pit at ease by making a play even they know is wrong.

Didn't Andersen recommend splitting fives against a ten as a cover play? (preferably while looking the PB in the eye) Only with a minimum bet out, of course.