spun off answer from "replenishible thread".

[KJ]

KJ,
I believe you posted about this before, but did you ever reconcile with your mother or step father. I do think you once posted you reconciled with you mother, but never mentioned anything about your stepfather. Is your mother and stepfather still together? By the way, I do know of three similar situations that have happened.

I really didn't want to hijack the "replenishable thread", but am happy to answer, since I have talked about this situation before.

My family at the time I was kicked out was myself, my mother, my step-father and my brother (technically half brother). The worse part was the disconnect from my younger brother. I was completely estranged from all for many year, before I reconnected with my brother in his high school years via the internet.

When my brother went off to college, he started visiting me during his summer and Christmas vacation period, and after he graduated last may, he moved to Las Vegas and has lived with me since. Getting to know him again and having him a part of my life has been wonderful.

During the last year my mother has visited twice. That was more about visiting my brother than me, but it has been an opportunity to begin to repair our relationship. My step father refused to visit and actually gave my brother an ultimatum last summer threating to cut off his car insurance which he followed through on.

During her last visit, this past winter, my mother, hinted several times to both my brother and myself, that she wanted to leave my step father and relocate to Las Vegas. Again, that is much more about here baby boy than her older son. I didn't want to interfere too much, but I told her if that's what she really wanted, I would help her get set up.

She is leaving my stepfather and moving to Vegas later this month at the end of the school year (retiring). My brother is going home to help her pack and move. I think it is better that I don't participate in that. My brother and I have been looking at 55+ adult communities for her (she just turned 55) as that would be a good place for her to live and meet new people her age. We have a few decent ones picked out to show her when she arrives.

Once she arrives, it will be sort of ironic that 14 years after my stepdad kicked me out of the family, the other two family members have moved away from him, towards me. I am not proud of the fact that I feel some satisfaction in that...but I do.

[Three]

That is great KJ. I am sure as hard as you tried to march on with your life there were some major wounds from the unfortunate situation. Hopefully you can find what you need from this to truly put that all behind you. I am tempted to ask some details about why you got kicked out to begin with as I leap to conclusions that may be totally off the mark but I really don't need to know. It isn't like I put any weight to any assumption, it just makes me curious. A lot of people here feel a connection to you after hearing of your struggles and success as an AP which makes them more interested in your journey than others especially the willingness to share the struggles that many don't seem to even want to admit to. The important thing is you are getting the chance to reconnect with family that were lost to you. Hopefully like a good AP you will take advantage of this opportunity to see if you can become a closer family.

I came from an unconditional love family so like many raised in the same situation it is hard to relate to the situations of people that didn't have the same type of family dynamic. Believe me I was no saint. My Dad was strict but I couldn't see him ever taking the actions against one of his children that you had to endure. That is what makes your success so amazing. You had hardly a BR and had to live off your play and not only met your no doubt spartan living expenses but also grow a decent BR. Anyone that has played any length of time understands just how hard that must have been to pull off. Thanks for sharing all the troubles and successes that await would be professional card counters. I wish you the best in this opportunity to find your family again. All families drift apart with time so those events that pull family back together everyone can relate to. It is just the distance between you and your family that may differ from the experiences of many. At least it didn't take a tragedy to be the catalyst for your family. It sounds like your idiot stepfather is losing his family which is not surprising. His willingness to throw away what is most important has come full circle back on him.

Good luck. We all are hoping you fill a place that was empty and heal your old wounds as much as they can be healed as this all plays out. Your philosophy for life you have shown here tells me you took what you could from such a tough situation to make yourself a better person rather than hold onto the crap and do the same kinds of things that others did to you. That tells me you are well armed to make the most of setbacks and opportunities alike. Enjoy your family and loved ones while you can. We are not immortal. Most regret the petty, when viewed in retrospect, differences that kept people apart once it is to late to do anything about it. Before the loss of their family member/loved one they just couldn't let go of the crap that kept them from having a good relationship. After the loss they see just how much it cost them to hold onto the hate rather than seek out the love. You seem wiser than your years and probably already know these things. We all wish you the best.

[ohbehave]

KJ, I pray for you that your family relationships continue to improve and I'm sorry to hear that your mother and stepfather are breaking up, I never like to see marriages fall apart. I also came from a family where there was unconditional love as T3 says of his family, and I gave my parents plenty of grief growing up. So I can't imagine the experience you've been through, however, now my wife and I find ourselves having extreme difficulty with our 10 year old daughter whom I love more than anything.

Yet, she is so defiant about everything that we are at the end of our rope, and I seem to be coming to the conclusion that the only solution is if she is not a part of this household. This is not something new though, she's been this way for 8 years, since age 2, its just that its not improving and now getting worse with refusing to go to school. I don't know if it will come to sending her away but if things continue the way they are I just don't see how she can keep living here. And it breaks my heart to possibly have to send my daughter away.

Your situation helps me see things from her side even if the situation is somewhat different. I want my daughter to experience unconditional love from her family as I did and have a happy childhood, but her defiance is getting in the way of that. If anyone here has experience with a defiant child and has any helpful suggestions I'm willing to listen to anything. We've taken her to 3 psychologists, grounded her repeatedly, take away toys and electronics, bribe her, but those things do no good. I don't know how to get her to change.

[RS]

Hope everything works out for you and your family, KJ.

[KJ]

KJ; Applause to your mom. She is a very courageous women. It's never easy to start over and even more difficult as we get older. I remember my mom moved in with me when I was 22. Sort of a time, when I was dating several different young ladies. I just bought a house. My step-dad had passed away and her job was not enough to support her living expense. She really had nowhere to go, so I said move in with me. Well, she had alot of things, so the house took on the appearance as though I was living with my mother rather than she living with me. And, of course, she had something to say to and/or about every lady I dated...which was generally not good.

In time, she found her way. My two cents would be that your ear listen and understanding will be even more valuable than your hands and willingness to help.

I do appreciate that she is starting over. Not only leaving her husband and home, but relocating to a completely new area, which means leaving any friends that she might have. I also feel like it is the second time in her life that she has gone through the anxiety of starting over. When my father passed, her life was thrown into complete turmoil, and at that time, she had a 6 year old child to worry about, me. Makes me wonder if she didn't accept the first possibility that came along, my stepfather. That's complete speculation on my part, but whatever, I hope she can find some happiness at this time in her life and I want to do what I can to help her do so.

It's funny that you mention your mom having something to say about your lady friends and your life. My brother is not too thrilled about Mom moving to Vegas, fearing that the is going to try to control and interfere with his life, and infringe on his freedoms. I don't think that will be the case though. Hopefully we get her somewhere that she can make friends and have her own life. Not that we won't see her, spend time with her, invite her over and go out together, but I don't anticipate her being a part of our everyday lives. At least that's my hope.

[ZeeBabar]

KJ, I pray for you that your family relationships continue to improve and I'm sorry to hear that your mother and stepfather are breaking up, I never like to see marriages fall apart. I also came from a family where there was unconditional love as T3 says of his family, and I gave my parents plenty of grief growing up. So I can't imagine the experience you've been through, however, now my wife and I find ourselves having extreme difficulty with our 10 year old daughter whom I love more than anything.

Yet, she is so defiant about everything that we are at the end of our rope, and I seem to be coming to the conclusion that the only solution is if she is not a part of this household. This is not something new though, she's been this way for 8 years, since age 2, its just that its not improving and now getting worse with refusing to go to school. I don't know if it will come to sending her away but if things continue the way they are I just don't see how she can keep living here. And it breaks my heart to possibly have to send my daughter away.

Your situation helps me see things from her side even if the situation is somewhat different. I want my daughter to experience unconditional love from her family as I did and have a happy childhood, but her defiance is getting in the way of that. If anyone here has experience with a defiant child and has any helpful suggestions I'm willing to listen to anything. We've taken her to 3 psychologists, grounded her repeatedly, take away toys and electronics, bribe her, but those things do no good. I don't know how to get her to change.

You cannot give up on a 10 year old. Trust me, I am 66 now and had a rebellious daughter. No matter what (rudeness, insults, anger), do not throw her out, estrange her from her parents. When you really commit to never throwing her out, you are committing to "unconditional" love. Try not to take sides when she is fighting her Mom, walk away in those moments. Just be firm about your rules and ride it out. Any action, let her initiate. One day, I received a call from my wife that my daughter (then 16) had packed her bags and some of her friends were taking her away. I just let them. She returned 6 days later, returned by the Mom of the friend she was staying with. The day she turned 18, she moved out. I told her that no matter what, don't get pregnant, don't get married and do not make decisions that impact her future. I don't care if she uses drugs, becomes sexually promiscuous, gets drunk or whatever as long as she does not make permanent decisions. She promised. We worried for 3 years but stopped asking questions. She would drop by, eat, let Mom fuss over her (sometimes they would get into arguments). At 21, we saw some signs of maturity and now as she just turned 23, she is doing great. She still makes mistakes but she has even started sharing and discussing everything from boyfriends to work problems. I am so happy I kept my anger in control when she was younger. Nothing as great as a daughter dropping into my office and asking me to lunch.

You are the older, mature person. Be mature. Make that commitment that you would never throw her out, let her know that decision and deal with it. She is probably just reaching puberty, interest in boys, sex and more. Don't over-react. If needed sign up for family counseling or get yourself (not your daughter) some counseling.