Of Human Baggage

A Sermonette, with Apologies to W.Somerset Maugham

By Abbot Avarissa

Nothing is more injurious to the proper Practice of our Devotions than the Presence of Human Baggage in our Lives. The Effect on E.V. alone is totally devastating, while the Damage resulting from other Factors is truly incalculable.

So who or what is Human Baggage, thou mayest ask? I would maintain that Human Baggage is any Person who accompanieth thee on any Pilgrimage to the Shrines of Fortune who is not a True Believer, and that even True Believers can fall into this Category easily enough if they be not prompt and timely.

Other Associates, whether True Believers or not will slow thee down. Hast thou ever noticed how it is that thou art always waiting for someone to get dressed or to show up at a predetermined Spot? How others, especially if not of the True Faith, always need to take an inordinate Time to eat?.and always at the most expensive Restaurants, and preferably those that require Reservations and several Hours beforehand to dress appropriately. (Hades! Give me a quick, cheap Hotdog at the Westward Ho and let me tend to Business!)

Even when dealing with Teammates, the Wastage of Time that accrues when traveling together or when a daily Meeting is required mounteth according to the following Equation:

T= average individual Time wasted if one were alone

Y= number of Persons in a Group or Team

F= a factor dependent on the Timeliness and Diligence of the Preyers

W= total Time wasted (Time away from the Tables)

W= T to the FxY

Not W=TY. The reason this Fact is so is because Time Wastage doth not occur in a synchronous Fashion, but rather suchwise that one Person?s Tardiness requireth all Others to waste Time, and while wasting Time, some may become involved in other Activities that will cause further Delay.

Note what occurs when one is required to attend a daily Meeting for a Team. If one is enjoying the Bounties of a certain Shrine of Fortune, then one?s Session must be interrupted. If not, then one?s Search is interrupted. In any Case, extra Travel is involved. Also, Team Meetings involve Discussion, and the more People are involved, the more Time is wasted according to the Formula. An activity that would take a single Person 5 Minutes will take 3 People 30 Minutes.

I propose that the much-vaunted E.V. multiplying effect of Team Efforts is greatly diminished by the above Considerations.

True Human Baggage will not only cost Thee in terms of Time and E.V., but also in Terms of cold, hard Cash. Even a diligent Teammate increaseth the risk of Detection and Eviction.

Consider the worst possible Case: Thy Companion is a somewhat deaf and dense Slot Ploppie! Not only will this Person waste her own Substance, but will annoy thee at the worst possible Moments until thou dost contribute to support her Habit (which will cost thee more than thou canst earn on a GOOD DAY)! If thou dost not contribute to her Addiction she will perch on the edges of the B.J. Table like some black Vulture, complaining of Boredom, distracting thee, vampirizing thy psychic Energy, and causing thee to lose the Count and make Mistakes. Worse yet, she will make some Comment that will tip Thee off to the Pit and then not comprehend any Hints or even bald Statements as to why a hasty Retreat is needed. Also, being an Unbeliever, she will fail to see why it even matters.

So what Remedies can be applied to this Problem of Human Baggage?

1. If working with a Team or a Partner, then minimize the Number of necessary Rendez-vous during the Pilgrimage. Consider reporting by Phone rather than by having Meetings.

2. If thou art in Company with one or more others and must be in the same or neighboring Casinos, then use Walkie-Talkies and be quite stern about any Signal to leave. (Cell Phones do not work in many Casinos.) Of course, this Necessity may interfere with thy Partner?s advantageous Preying.

3. Consider separate Rental Cars, especially if thy Companion is a Ploppie! (Of course, then they cease to be a Companion in large Part.)

4. Try to educate thy Ploppie-Friend as to the Nuances of the Game so that if she is going to be distracting, then to be so in a positive Way. Also train her to be tolerant of derogatory Remarks about her Slot Habit made at the Table?.and to realize that Money given to her is NOT to be put into the Machines.

5. Wean the Ploppie off of Slots to FPDW, if thou canst convince her of the Virtues of flawless Strategy, or else at least Pass Line Craps Bets. (Perhaps thou canst afford this Vice if the Bets be small.)

6. BEST OF ALL: GO IT ALONE! The Church preacheth Celibacy and the single Life for good Reason.

Fortuna vobiscum,

Av