I found these attributed to the late comedian Mitch Hedberg. These are just the casino-related lines; he had some funny stuff.

"I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction."

"My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. 'Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice.'"

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

Bettie